there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
