ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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