She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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