Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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