So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize