I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
