you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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