also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
