Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i came on her dog
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
