This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
