apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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