Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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