UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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