I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
