I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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