I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
