Cold hands, warm shart.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
