You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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