The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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