True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
