She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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