haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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