I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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