I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize