I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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