your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
