so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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