Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
