I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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