I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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