my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize