I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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