Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
