I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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