I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
