Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
