Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
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