he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
