WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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