Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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