Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
