Kiss
Puke
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
