I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
