having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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