So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
