This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
