I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
