i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
