Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
