just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
