Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
