I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bring me that man meat
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
