But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
