Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize