help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
