Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
