gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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