Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize