The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
