he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
