I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
