Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
