What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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