Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
