i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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