Soap is not a condiment
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
