i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
