If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
