remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
