Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
